Friday, March 28, 2014

Noah, The Worst Movie Ever Made! Honest

I just watched the Noah movie and I can't stress this enough.  DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY!  DON'T GO!  Let me explain why.

Since the distribution company wouldn't allow us to preview the movie in advance, I figured it was going to be unbiblical.  Because I expected it to be unbiblical I invited my pastor, Rick Myatt, to attend with me to make certain I didn't take anything out of context or miss some key biblical points. 

What I didn't expect was how absolutely boringly bad this movie would be.  I kept thinking, as I checked my watch every 5 minutes, I'll never get that 5 minutes back, or That 5 minutes, or THAT 5 minutes.  This checking of my watch went on for more than 2 hours!!! Counting the previews, that's nearly 3 hours that I'll never have back.  

When the director said it was the most unbiblical religious movie ever made, he wasn't lying.  Except he didn't warn us how boring and flat it was.  There was no character development.  No context.  No thought.
No empathy for any of the characters.

I am certain that, the director, Darren Aronofsky, hoped the "controversy of his statement would bring the curious in for the first weekend.  Because NO ONE, repeat, NO ONE will want to attend this movie after the word of mouth gets out after this weekend.
Honestly, I expected it to be a little "off base" biblically, but the only thing this film and the Bible had in common was a guy named Noah, some water, and a big boat.  But that isn't even why I'm warning you to not waste your money.  It's just possibly the most boring, embarrassingly boring, movie made this year or any year.  Did I say it was boring??

A few items of note:
1)   This movie has giant "rock people" helping Noah build the ark as well as fighting the bad guys.  Yes, I said rock people.  Not rock stars.  ROCKS that are people!!
2)   The bad guys had bazookas. That's right, WWII bazookas.
3)   The chief "bad guy" had the only biblical thoughts about God!

I could go on and on about how "dumb chills" bad this movie was, but this review by Barbara Nicolosi at this link, says it better than I could.  

As you read it, you'll think that she was making stuff up.  Not so!  If I could write as well as Nicolosi, I would have said the same thing. PLEASE don't waste your money.  

I didn't need to discuss the biblical storyline with my pastor.  Anyone with a brain will know it's not biblical.  I'm warning you to stay away not because I believe you will be corrupted by the non biblical storyline.  I'm warning you not to attend because you will be bored for nearly three hours and have wasted ten bucks or more. 

For those who have to see it for yourselves, don't say I didn't warn you.    

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